Message Received.

How quickly the bliss fades away. Every day changes me, and i often forget that i can decide how it changes me. Yesterday, God was clearly sending me a message. He was calling me back to Him yet again. i was also asked to remember the recent reflections. And i should also read more.
So i need more God in my life. i'm getting very caught up in my suffering and i'm losing sight of important things. i've reverted a bit. In my therapy session this week, i defaulted back to arguing with my therapist trying to prove i am a bad person. And just like every other time i've tried this through the years, it's clear that there is no proof of this, but in fact much evidence of just the opposite. And i could feel my blood boil because i feel so strongly that i am a worthless piece of shit, i don't know why, and i don't know why i can't let it go.
Then we began to dive deeper. We uncovered the undercurrent of my life - quiet, persistent, insidious shame. i've had it as far back as i can remember. It makes sense, the way it was installed in me. My parents - young, unprepared, stubborn, fucked up - couldn't handle some of the challenges of bringing up a child. So i was yelled at, locked in my room, other disciplines that maybe made sense. But they loved me. i know that. i couldn't quite reconcile angry adults with their loving selves. i figured there was stuff wrong with me. i was very sensitive, and easily absorbed those messages. It all erupted, of course, in puberty, and the rest is history.
Now, i am still very sensitive, and have to be very mindful of my self talk. What is helpful? What is true? What is harmful? How can i shape my thoughts to build me up best? God is key in this. i believe my Creator loves me immensely and has great plans for me. i feel that presence often in my life. The story of Jesus Christ helps guide my daily action - how to stay connected to God through prayer and meditation, how to be kind to people no matter what, how to have fun and be sassy and have a heart so overflowing with love. When i look to that, i live better. When i blind myself with the mire of my life, there is so much unnecessary suffering.
So how am i going to stay connected? i gotta meditate more, root myself in my humanness, set a quality rhythm to my breath, work on intentions. i'll pray, open up a dialogue with God, speak up about all my hopes and fears and plans and cravings and annoyances, get into the nitty gritty, and remain open to a response. Reading helps too, right now it's the Tao of Pooh and is so fantastic, on deck is the Four Agreements. Music, the nectar for my soul. Being in nature, hiking, frisbee barefoot in a field, chillin at the beach, climbing trees, floating in a pool, feeling a breeze, sunshine on my skin.
i'm grateful for the awareness of all this. i'm very hopeful with this new plan.

There Ain't No "I" in Frendly Here...

i went to a music festival and it changed everything.

i joined the volunteer crew. i met up with another Frend from my area and we hauled up together, grabbed another guy on the way, and set up camp on the mountain. i had a tent and air mattress my coworker gave me, and a backpack and sleeping bag my therapist gave me. i brought my own food, and the best attitude i could muster.

i was a little nervous going in on my own. It's scary, what with my heaps of anxiety, and also a priority for sobriety that would be tested. But i really rooted myself down into my core, i sorted out my values, and i stayed in that center.

My tent lied on a 30 degree incline the whole weekend. The rain got much of my stuff wet, as the tent proved to be leaky. i wasn't as vigilant with the SPF as i should have been. And all these things are way overshadowed by the incredible loving powerful experience of it.

The volunteer crew was phenomenal. Positivity radiated through us. We connected, shared stories, food, drugs (to which i said no thank you), songs, our vibes filled the atmosphere. It transformed me.

The music lifted me up higher than i could've dreamed of. i discovered another fabulous Dead cover band, Sleepy Man -  a fan frikkin tastic bluegrass band, Upstate Rubdown - such beautifully layered vocals and rhythms, Madaila - groovy tunes for my soul. One night, Nahko & Medicine for the People blew my mind with their songs of healing. About halfway through the performance, i felt a barrier around my heart break and fall away, and i wept. i was so awestruck. They just hit me, tapped into something that needed some tenderness, broke me down and brought me back together so much better.

The best drug there was AcroYoga. That was such a rush of grounded loftiness, strength and weightlessness, connection and harmony.

There was free Ben & Jerry's ice cream, and Deep River potato chips. There were hikes, with an amazing view from the top of the mountain. Tye dye workshops, frendship bracelet making, hammock lounging, mud jumping, flow toys, fun and Frends abounding. i also had the  best burgers of my life there from the Burger Barn. A local farm, fully self sustained, has their seasonal food on wheels. 1st burger - Ethan Allen: burger with cheddar, grilled apple slices, and cranberry garlic mayo. 2nd burger - Nutty Goat - goat cheese, candied walnuts, bacon, carmelized onions, mayo. Tastebuds were in awe.

The journey home was surreal, trying to process all that had occurred. Adjusting back to my typical life was difficult. But i feel how i carry these experiences with me. It was such a necessary trip. i feel lighter and brighter, hopeful and level.

This season has a few more festivals on the horizon. i'm very excited for what's in store.