Throwback
Why i Hate Christmas: A List
- i hate the cold
- i hate the copious amounts of food, as someone with an eating disorder
- i hate the commercialism, it's stupid. and pisses me off as a Christian.
- i hate the fancy outfits
- i hate the family drama
- i hate people watching me open presents
- i hate the "joy"
- i hate the expectation
- i hate the disappointment
Til along came an angel that helped me turn my view around. There was a woman in my church that i got pretty close with. i told her about my despairing of the holiday time. She empathized with me, and then she challenged me. She asked me to start a new list. And she would do it, too. We would keep our eyes open, and find things around us that weren't so bad, maybe i could like, might be a source of comfort, or reprieve from the craziness, or reflect some serenity, or even inspire a smile, that only the holiday season could bring. The first thing on our list came to us in a small package. As we talked, a little girl of about 3 pranced around the room with her beautiful blond tresses tied up in a red satin ribbon. Her outfit and liveliness seemed very influenced by the most wonderful time of the year, and even i couldn't deny that it was very cute. i conceded, and i promised to find at least 5 things. On the first Sunday in the new year, we'd share our lists with each other.
i ended up finding 11 things. i wish i still had that first list. It was a turning point, and i could actually feel things physically shifting inside me. i carried on with the list for the following 4 years, until i could find some felicity without trying too hard.
This year proved to be a challenge. Yes, i've reconciled with many of the items on my old list. i've accepted the cold, i enjoy much of the food and dressing up and people watching me open presents, i pay less mind to commercialism, family drama, and really try not to have any expectations at all but rather take each moment as it comes. This year could've been fantastic, but my emotional state held me back.
With the resurgence of the trauma, i definitely had a fear of falling apart. i reached out to my priest for some support. Reverend Judy has seen me at my darkest. She held my hand, soothed me, guided me. She's watched me transform from a scared broken dispirited child, to a resilient bright hopeful woman. She has been one of my biggest cheerleaders, and is a significant support. She eagerly made time for me, even during this very busy time.
When we got together, we got right to it. She remembered my past struggle with the good doctor. When i brought him up, i saw her eyes widen with a flash of anger. (Seeing her react like that was actually quite comforting, her care for me and protectiveness was displayed on her face with recalling disdainfully someone who had hurt me so badly.) i explained to her the new crop of struggles i was having. We looked at the growth between then and now, and acknowledged the gift. We talked about dealing with the hard shit, how i was handling it in the best way - naming it, asking for help, feeling it, carrying on with other daily duties. i was not falling apart, and i was saying no to the things that would make me do so.
i talked through the difficulty of holding the dichotomy of resent the doctor and essentially owing him my life. It's been the most arduous piece to this process. And the conversation about it brought forth the best nugget of wisdom i could've asked for. It went like this:
Yes, there is discomfort in dichotomies. But health is acknowledging the duality, holding it up to the light, not running from it.
Before, my life was filled with conflicts and opposites and feelings and i was so overwhelmed that i just denied it all. i buried myself under a huge mess.
i'm miles away from that now. And so our talk didn't spend much time on the subject of the trauma, rather we focused on my state of being - my perseverance, the talents i have, the gifts i have to give and ways in which i can give them. That's what my healing has been about - identifying my strengths and drawing on them in real ways to measure and feel productive and build my self esteem and inner image.
She reminded me of my favorite quote.
i've been playing small. i have yet to accept that i'm an adult. It feels uncomfortable to call myself an adult or a woman. i still fall back on being a child, girl, or "young lady." Even when i became a youth group leader, i could not own it. Although, the implications of continuing to avoid my reality. i must be a smart, healthy role model for the kids i am leading. And for myself.
Judy called my awareness with these words. "You are becoming the woman God intends you to be, planned you to be even before you came into existence. And you are finally valuing who you are and who you are becoming. No longer anesthetizing, or giving yourself away for cheap. You're owning your worth and living into your potential. It is fabulous and you are fabulous. Keep up the good work."
And so we realized that this whole process is my Christmas gift to myself. Emotional liberation and freedom. This darkness from my past is no longer can no longer darken my present, i can focus on the light of the moment.
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