Unravelling

The October to March ride is a really tough one. Halloween marks the beginning of a dark time for me. Differing types of darknesses that layer upon each other. The rollercoaster intensifies for the next few months. i go through blinding agony, crippling anxiety, faltering hope, boiling anger, existential angst, sluggishness, confusion, but all, nevertheless, met with resilience. i make it through, and stronger for it too.

During halloween i am faced with family insanity. i mean i really do like the day. i love to dress up, i like spooky stuff, i dig the idea of the spirit world converging with that of human, i've got a helluva sweet tooth, i love celebrating with my baby sister. It can be really fun.

Where it comes apart is in our "adult" department.
It's become a tradition that trick or treating is a time to get smashed. Aunts, uncles, cousins gather in costume, preparing for the night. Big candy collecting bags, sweaters, sneakers, gloves, glow sticks. A stroller, rolling cooler, and purses filled with beer, vodka nips, and whiskey.

The kids carry on, far too caught up in halloween hype to notice the adults checking out, excitement is their babysitter for the night.

It makes me really sad. It wasn't always this way. My mom and aunt used to be really present to my brothercousin and me. But 8 years ago, priorities shifted, and they crumbled into the shitshow they are now.

Then comes Thanksgiving. This year was my first time trying to be everywhere with everyone, going from dad's house to mom's mom's house to boyfriend's parents and it was mostly just crazymaking with minimal enjoyability. i ended the day with regret and what-ifs and if-onlys and had to really work to pick out the silver linings from the tumultuous day.

Nights are here earlier. i've been diagnosed with Seasonal Affective Disorder. i miss the sunlight a lot.

The most wonderful time of the year? From March to mid December i tell myself i love Christmas. But halfway through December i'm burdened by expectation (put on me and what i put on others), hopes, doubts, discontent. A few years ago, i flat out absolutely hated holiday time. A mentor of mine advised me to list things i found, when i really dug around, that i liked that only holiday time could bring around, so that i didn't friggin kill myself through a particularly difficult year's journey and year's end. It softened me, and i ended up completely coming around, but i still feel smacked around by the stress and lofty wishes and lost meaning.

Then i'm tasked to have fun and stay optimistic and sober through the New Year celebration.

Meanwhile through all this, an old trauma is rearing its ugly head. Something i thought i put to rest a long time ago. But a new deeper layer is emerging and it's making me raw and vulnerable during an already existing terribly stressful time.

But my resilience has been proven, and piece by piece i see things falling into place, however minor it may be. i've become adept at grabbing at those silver linings through the turmoil. i know i'll make it through. It just really sucks to be in this place right now.