Conflicting desires. One of the core, one of an insidious malady. My core craves wholeness, enjoys the simple pleasures - being grounded in the moment, basic needs being met, connection to other human beings. My disease is a sensationalist - always in search of an addictive vice, trying to achieve numbness, getting caught up in excitement, shock, anger, melancholy. They take turns sitting in the center of my mind. i vacillate from gratitude to discontent, awareness of every little gift in my life to flailing to fill a perceived emptiness.
This dichotomy holds the reigns of my life and i feel a mess. i struggle with consistency and stability.
i had a meeting the other night that totally smashed the complacency i've been riding recently. i'm completely in the habit of not drinking or using, and generally abstaining from self-destruction. i haven't really had to work on that piece, or even put much thought into it. My life is good today, especially when compared to my past. i forget pretty easily how miserable i was. how dependent i was on my vices just to get through a day. i get a random craving occasionally, and i find myself romanticizing those old days a bit: so impressed and proud when i could go 4 days without eating, denying a fundamental human need feeling stronger to be above it, high on control...; reveling in the relief that washed over me as a sharp tool drove through my skin, my anguish was cleaned up and thrown out with those bloody tissues...; escaping effortlessly with drugs, taking me out of myself, reconstructing the moment, feeling badass...; taking solace in promiscuity, after rape had left its impression in me, getting stuck in trying to redo that encounter, to reclaim the power i was robbed of, to use another as i had been, to know i was irresistible, and rework my beliefs of sex....
They all crossed over beautifully, too. i loved restricting while smoking pot - the strength to deny those munchies amplified my highs. A man's rough hands caressing my ribs while riding him sent me into fits of ecstasy. Forcing vomiting helped me give better blowjobs. Cutting after a bad fuck wiped a gross slate clean. Cutting after snorting oxy got me intense mellow. Coke kept me skinny and peppy, i was on top of the world. Sex got me free drugs. Oh, what a system i had. My reality was the web of these addictions. My entire being circled around them. If someone were to identify me by any of these, i was glad. Despite everything that should have been natural, i thrived on self destruction.
But now it feels like a different person who lived those days.
Though i still feel her inside me, because i can look back on that time fondly, almost like i miss it. i suppose it's because immersing myself in that chaos is was kept me alive for so long. From age 12 i was fixated on suicide, but i kept getting sidetracked from making a plan and executing, since, well, i'd have to go cop, or go write out some new food rules, or go dissect a shaving razor to etch in relief, or go eat a little something just to force it back up and out. If i wasn't perpetually nagged by addiction, it became relentless, it was like being under a tyrant, but otherwise i sincerely could have been dead and gone.
Because it (they) so effectively served many a purpose, it's easier to romanticize. i minimize how it wrecked my health, how deeply and thoroughly i hated myself, how adamantly i believed i did not deserve to live and was obligated to kill myself. i've worked so hard to climb out of the dark trenches i dwelled in for so long. Some days in full combat - ceasing the behavior, stopping negative thoughts to change them to accepting encouraging ones, reading uplifting literature, talking to people who cared about me, my life, my wellbeing, praying to a God who created me, loves me, and has purpose and plans for me. Other days were full of sulking, sadness naps, angsty journaling, questioning God, complaining about how hard it was to try to change. But i trudged through, kept waking up day after day, i rode the rollercoaster of my whacked emotions, time did its thing. Amazing changes happened. The difference is so night and day. i'm not sure if i could find the one tipping point, strides were made every so often and they built on each other until i got so used to walking on my own i forgot how much was done to pick me up from the pit i was drowning in and carry me on.
My troubles today are not life or death matters. i have some debt, i occasionally worry about the people i love, i want to be productive responsible reliable and amicable at work, i need to clean more. That's basically it. Sometimes i do get caught up in anxiety, and then i feel my disease reaching out to me again....
i much prefer to live my days now rooted in my core, aware of and grateful for everything, riding out some discomfort and knowing that it'll pass and keeping myself from giving in to vice. When i think i'm bored and start to look for some excitement, i just gotta come back to myself and think about which source of craving i want to satisfy. If i satisfy vice, i awaken a tyrant that will always demand more and more from me, push me to compromise my values for a fix, and destroy me, til i hate myself to terribly again. If i satisfy my true self, that of light and love, i will be built up, i will keep all the many gifts i have and still more will be brought, i'll have wonderful relationships, i can help others struggling through the darkness. i'll be stable and content.
This dichotomy holds the reigns of my life and i feel a mess. i struggle with consistency and stability.
i had a meeting the other night that totally smashed the complacency i've been riding recently. i'm completely in the habit of not drinking or using, and generally abstaining from self-destruction. i haven't really had to work on that piece, or even put much thought into it. My life is good today, especially when compared to my past. i forget pretty easily how miserable i was. how dependent i was on my vices just to get through a day. i get a random craving occasionally, and i find myself romanticizing those old days a bit: so impressed and proud when i could go 4 days without eating, denying a fundamental human need feeling stronger to be above it, high on control...; reveling in the relief that washed over me as a sharp tool drove through my skin, my anguish was cleaned up and thrown out with those bloody tissues...; escaping effortlessly with drugs, taking me out of myself, reconstructing the moment, feeling badass...; taking solace in promiscuity, after rape had left its impression in me, getting stuck in trying to redo that encounter, to reclaim the power i was robbed of, to use another as i had been, to know i was irresistible, and rework my beliefs of sex....
They all crossed over beautifully, too. i loved restricting while smoking pot - the strength to deny those munchies amplified my highs. A man's rough hands caressing my ribs while riding him sent me into fits of ecstasy. Forcing vomiting helped me give better blowjobs. Cutting after a bad fuck wiped a gross slate clean. Cutting after snorting oxy got me intense mellow. Coke kept me skinny and peppy, i was on top of the world. Sex got me free drugs. Oh, what a system i had. My reality was the web of these addictions. My entire being circled around them. If someone were to identify me by any of these, i was glad. Despite everything that should have been natural, i thrived on self destruction.
But now it feels like a different person who lived those days.
Though i still feel her inside me, because i can look back on that time fondly, almost like i miss it. i suppose it's because immersing myself in that chaos is was kept me alive for so long. From age 12 i was fixated on suicide, but i kept getting sidetracked from making a plan and executing, since, well, i'd have to go cop, or go write out some new food rules, or go dissect a shaving razor to etch in relief, or go eat a little something just to force it back up and out. If i wasn't perpetually nagged by addiction, it became relentless, it was like being under a tyrant, but otherwise i sincerely could have been dead and gone.
Because it (they) so effectively served many a purpose, it's easier to romanticize. i minimize how it wrecked my health, how deeply and thoroughly i hated myself, how adamantly i believed i did not deserve to live and was obligated to kill myself. i've worked so hard to climb out of the dark trenches i dwelled in for so long. Some days in full combat - ceasing the behavior, stopping negative thoughts to change them to accepting encouraging ones, reading uplifting literature, talking to people who cared about me, my life, my wellbeing, praying to a God who created me, loves me, and has purpose and plans for me. Other days were full of sulking, sadness naps, angsty journaling, questioning God, complaining about how hard it was to try to change. But i trudged through, kept waking up day after day, i rode the rollercoaster of my whacked emotions, time did its thing. Amazing changes happened. The difference is so night and day. i'm not sure if i could find the one tipping point, strides were made every so often and they built on each other until i got so used to walking on my own i forgot how much was done to pick me up from the pit i was drowning in and carry me on.
My troubles today are not life or death matters. i have some debt, i occasionally worry about the people i love, i want to be productive responsible reliable and amicable at work, i need to clean more. That's basically it. Sometimes i do get caught up in anxiety, and then i feel my disease reaching out to me again....
i much prefer to live my days now rooted in my core, aware of and grateful for everything, riding out some discomfort and knowing that it'll pass and keeping myself from giving in to vice. When i think i'm bored and start to look for some excitement, i just gotta come back to myself and think about which source of craving i want to satisfy. If i satisfy vice, i awaken a tyrant that will always demand more and more from me, push me to compromise my values for a fix, and destroy me, til i hate myself to terribly again. If i satisfy my true self, that of light and love, i will be built up, i will keep all the many gifts i have and still more will be brought, i'll have wonderful relationships, i can help others struggling through the darkness. i'll be stable and content.
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