On October 17th in 2008 i began my journey of sober living. i remember the conscious decision i made that i was tired of living in misery and wanted to change. i accepted that drug use was prolonging my misery and it had to stop. It was the first of my 4 addictions to go, and it really paved the way for my whole recovery. AA became my saving grace, the meetings were like a hug for my brain, my wheels could stop spinning and i could listen to people who felt my struggles and rose above them. i found people who wanted to help me, they began to love me back to health, they genuinely wished me well and wanted to help me succeed.
The cutting calmed down about 2 years later, the eating disorder a little after that, with many slips and relapses. The sex addiction expressed itself in waves, and finally lost its grip completely when i found someone worth being monogamous for a year ago. Sometimes i wonder if i should claim sobriety for as long as i do, since i had this myriad of active addiction. But putting down using and working AA is what gave me a fighting chance with the rest of my disease. Without that piece first, i'd have been a goner for sure.
i have a pretty good understanding of my mental illness. i don't necessarily have a name for it, but i don't need one. i stay focused on the solution.
i don't buy into the stigma against mental illness. i used to feel the backlash of how our society operates with it. But worrying about that is not worth my energy. i've learned the people who judge me negatively for what i've been through are not the type of people i want to be around. i seek out people to have reciprocal fulfilling relationships with. And actually, they abound. More people than not understand, and are happy to hear of my strength and resilience.
So i'm pretty open with past and current struggles. Risking being real with people, more often than not, is way more rewarding than superficial interactions. It offers a certain hope and encouragement, i think.
The best thing about when i share about my strides, and anniversaries, on Facebook is not the 'likes' or the comments (although i do quite enjoy that), but when someone messages me, inspired by what i shared, and asks for help.
i met with a girl the other day who's been struggling to get clean. Her addiction's got a pretty good hold on her, and she's trying her damnedest. So we just talked. Most importantly, we connected. i feel that's the key to recovery. Connecting, relating, working with people who understand and want to build you up. That's certainly what did it for me, and i hear so many others express the same thing. So i did that for her. And we're gonna spend time together, and i really believe, a little at a time, things will click for her and she'll get it. She'll be able to live sober.
We all get better with the help of a community. i know mine was quite large and worked very hard to help me. i came back from a really deep dark pit. But here i am and my life is piecing together and i'm doing pretty well. Without others carrying me on for a bit, i couldn't have made it. So i'm really honored when i can be a part of someone's helping community.
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