Jumpy

i was just thrown a really good lesson in not jumping to conclusions. The time i spend so anxious about so many things is so counterproductive. And yet i still get tangled up in it. My first go-to is self criticism. The habit that started at about age 11, and the grooves are set deep in my brain. As much as i try to forge new paths, that well beaten path is where i tread. But i can't just resign myself to fruitless anxieties and self deprecation. i need to keep redirecting my thought and energies to optimism, acceptance, solution, and hope, until it becomes as natural as the old mindset. i'm currently in between the two. What had transpired at work was certainly confirmation to keep on doing the head-work i am.

The way i came into my position at the company was rather unexpected and quick. A teacher had put in her 2 weeks, i was in the middle of my training, i was the only plausible candidate to take her place. They still had a choice in asking me to fill that role, and when they did i was thrilled. i felt honored that they trusted me enough to ask this of me, and excited about the opportunities that were laying themselves out. They expedited the rest of my training, then threw me in. i certainly hadn't absorbed everything i needed to, i mean you could train for 6 months and still not feel adequately prepared, but i had most the basics and still a lot of help from the other teachers around me.

Being new in a craft is awkward, and there's a lot of stumbling, and so much to absorb. Just by natural wiring, i am very hard on myself. i tend to think lowly of myself and have a pervasive fear of inadequacy. However, i am also naturally good with kids, have a strong understanding of the mechanics of swimming, and apparently am inherently sweet and likable. These things make the job easier, and actually quite fun. Aside from that, though, i want so badly to be a good teacher to these kids. i want to know the skills thoroughly so i can explain to them new things and watch them learn and grow. i fear failing them.

In one of my classes, it's a nice bunch of bouncy happy 3 and 4 year olds. i love them. One day, two girls bounced right off the steps while i was working individually, they were in over their heads and tried to use each other to propel themselves back. They were drowning. It happened in a split moment that my eyes were on the boy i was floating with, so i was alerted to it by the shrieking of their mothers. i scooped them up, brought them back to the steps, and made sure they were okay. i drove home the of waiting patiently and safely on the steps for their turn. The rest of the class was fine, we were still learning and having fun, while also internalizing that lesson of patience & managing energy (for the kids) and class management (for me). i was a little shaken up, of course. One of the moms (her daughter had been on the steps during that incident) had comforted me, saying i handled it all in the best way, those girls were pushing the limits, the moms are a bit uppity, everything was fine. i was happy to hear that feedback.

The following week, that girl shows up in a different class. i lifeguard during this time. They smiled and waved to me, i did the same back, but i was very confused. i ran through in my head everything that'd happened in that class, then what mom had said after the girls' drinky time. They seemed happy with me. i convinced myself it was just a front, the family acted sweet but they secretly hated me, and i was doing a "good job" but not good enough for them so they went to another class with a better teacher. i watched the class holding back tears, feeling i'll never be a good teacher, all my kids would leave me, i'll fuck up the company and be banned for life.

After the class, the sweet little girl came up to me and gave me a hug. The mom explained that her gymnastics teacher just graduated her to a new level, and they were really sad to be missing my class, but happy they'd at least see me guarding. The relief practically slapped me in the face. i had been torturing myself for the 30 minute duration of the class. Like, okay, it's not all about me - i'm not the piece of shit the world revolves around (damn being an ego-maniac with an inferiority complex), everyone's got other stuff going on, people generally understand my learning curve as a new teacher and wish me well. i stepped back, i laughed at myself, and was able to be kinder and softer for a while after that.

i jumped the gun in a way that could be pretty destructive to me. i'm happy it was so promptly shut down. i've been carrying this lesson with me, really trying hard to remember people are generally good, staying right-sized and knowing my place in a system, i'm okay -  not the bane of everyone's existence nor the sole source of sunshine. Just a worker among worker and friend among friends. There's a lot to learn for my job, and i'm learning pretty quickly. i have fun at work, have fabulous coworkers and bosses, i'm reaping wonderful experiences, i'm in a really good place in my life - especially after everything i've been through.

Key phrase: Take everything in stride and stay rooted in gratitude.