For a while i've hung my hat on the fact that i'm a sober drug addict, readjusted anorexic, healed cutter, depression&anxiety warrior, sex addict/abuse survivor in a happy monogamous relationship, rising up against extreme family dysfunction... i had gotten cozy with almost every malady in the DSM IV and made it through incessant suicidality. While it is quite fabulous that i sustained so much strength, i cannot say all my work is done. There are still so many areas of my life that have been dwarfed while more pressing matters took my attention and energy.
i feel i'm working with a significant deficit in trying to stabilize my life. From ages 12-17, my focus was the classic to-be-or-not-to-be (with no thanks to Shakespeare, just my own biology). Grades took a back seat, i ended up spending more time in hospitals and treatment centers than school. My clinicians may or may not have taken better care of me than my parents. The lack of support i had in a non-clinical environment (i still have trouble calling it "home") made it rather impossible to be successful. My gratitude for the two years i spent in residential therapy/ boarding school is immense, it shaped me into a strong, aware, level headed, determined young woman, who from there would finish senior year in public high school and complete college applications and resumes and essays and maybe even mainstream....
i was accepted into my dream school, and what a crushing blow it was when finances prevented me living that dream. i made so many goals and plans to get to a beautiful life i had imagined. It felt like someone captured my image and threw it in the fire. i took that opportunity to relapse with some choice unhealthy behaviors. But of course, cue intervention, and i was put back on a better path. i had tried community college but i sabotaged it. With the help of a fairy godmother i acquired a lifeguard certificate and started working and that opened the door to the job i have now.
i happen to absolutely love my job. i got involved with a facility that is pioneering a more comprehensive way of teaching swimming and i truly admire and believe in them. i thoroughly enjoy everyone i work with and for, the children are absurdly cute, and watching everyone learn and grow is such a gift.
Right now i need to balance my past with my present. i'm so used to carrying the heaviness of what was with me everywhere i went, be it school, job, with friends, with self. But i've been in recovery for a solid 6 years now and i can choose to leave it behind and forge a new path for a new self.
My problem is that i'm so used to being acknowledged for what a hard trek i've had, how amazing it is that i've come so far, people telling me i'm so strong, so smart and wise, so graceful, an inspiration, swelling my pride and stroking my ego. i forget that i have to be responsible, complete tasks, follow a routine (at least some semblance of one) if i want to be mildly successful. i get lazy, i want things handed to me, i want to indulge, i like naps, the internet, and putzing around. The mess of my room is appalling. i'm just beginning to try to figure out the puzzle of laundry. i waste money on weird things. Emotions still trip me up. My therapist and i are on a texting basis. In some ways i still feel like that lost little girl, though comparatively my life now is pleasant and mild. But i did not work so hard in recovery to settle for mediocre, unfulfilling, head-just-above-the-water living. Since the one image went up in flames, i created a new one, and i have a couple back ups, and maybe i'll just do it all. i still have a lot of goals and plans and getting through this first part of my life is showing me what i'm capable of for the future.
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