Let Go Or Be Dragged

"You're holding on to so much. And you hold onto it in your heart, your muscles, your mind, the way you talk to yourself, in your posture, in your bowels, in all the clutter in your room, there's no space for anything else in your life and you wonder why you stay in the same cycles."
i was a little shocked to be called out in this way, but dammit when a therapist is right, she's right. i keep that old stuff around, the hurts, the patterns, the assumptions, the feelings, and regard it as current fact. In the list of ways my past is keeping me hostage, each seem so impossible difficult to overcome. My heart is so heavy with how terribly i feel about myself, my muscles are always so tight and aching. The self talk is only slightly different than a decade ago. i'm frequently constipated. My body is tight, closed, hunching, defensive, even when i think i'm comfortable. And my room is filled to the brim, hoarder status, with stuff i feel like i can't get rid of. Clothes, stuffed animals, school binders, kid books, tchotchkes, notebooks filled with my angst, ages worth of stocking stuffers, craft supplies, photos, cheap jewelry, gifts never delivered, projects unfinished, and whatever else is buried under all that crap.

But i'm tired. This life is so unfruitful. i want more. i want to change. i want to feel what other people so adamantly believe about me. Bless them for carrying me through these tough times. It's time to molt - this old shell is no longer protecting me. Whatever mechanisms were useful in the past are actually quite harmful now. This week i've made the first real attempt at letting go. i'm cleaning my room. i packed up 2 big bags of clothes and 1 box of books that are no longer useful to me. It's going to take a while to go through everything, but i'm proud of the start i got. i've been avoiding it for a very long time. The emotions i've been dreading are coming up, and it's exhausting, but i trust that this will be a transformative process, as people wiser than me have told me so.

And i need some transformation because i feel some self sabotage in the works. My relationships are in danger as i'm giving in to my habits of isolation and numbing. i recently heard that the first thing to be destroyed in the disease of addiction is self esteem and the capacity to feel loved or worth loving. i believe it's probably the last thing to come back, too. i still struggle with feeling like i'm someone people value or want to be around. Like, i don't want to be around me, so it's extremely tempting to just close myself off. But really, the moments that i stay connected to people, live into health, explore my potential, welcome my emotions, exercise my intellect, i feel alive and content and hopeful. It's what i want my life to consistently be. So even though it's dreadfully uncomfortable to go through the new processes, stay present to the emotions, feel the new space in and around me, i know that one moment at a time i'll really change. The past doesn't have to haunt me, it doesn't have to take over my present. i can rather accept it as part of myself and be grateful for the experience. Some times i feel more strongly than others i'll get there. i'll try to stay focused on the hope and faith and willingness. i'm very glad that the recent cloudiness i was feeling is starting to clear.

Running

Running. i keep running. In a way that keeps my body sedentary and lazy and ever expanding. And it just dawned on me in a way that sprung me awake at 2:30 while struggling to fall asleep.
i run to noise, to distraction, to shiny things, to sticky situations. Just away from myself. It's a bit different than the frantic, obscene sprint i displayed in adolescence that caused me to be forced to sit still and quirt for 2 years. This new one is a bit smoother, more calculated and has gone unnoticed by me for a few years. The insanity of craving connection and closeness in my relationships and then pushing people away. Sabotage. i don't stick around long enough for friends to truly become my mirrors. Facing myself is still this dreaded thing. And i'm so afraid of or appalled by myself that i cling to any suitable person, but then retreat when it gets too real. A vicious cycle.
Like that Wellspring prayer: "Afraid to be known..." shit, i'm there. It's why now i'm new to these meetings, why i can't hold down a sponsor, or a friend for that matter. It's why i fucking jump when i hear someone say my name. Especially my therapist, she says it with authority, because she knows me. And i realize she's really the only non family person who knows me and has maintained a relationship with me. Even for my good few years of recovery, i don't know how to have a sustaining friendship. i could blame it on a dysfunctional childhood, or any mental illness, but why would it matter where the blame is? i'm still lonely and afraid and alone.
And so instead of taking a breath and looking at myself, i lunge and get in my own way. Calling friends and then falling silent. Going to an AA meeting, raising my hand and telling on myself, and then retreating back into my darkness. Having conversations and never picking them back up. Starting a book and not getting past the first few pages, reading or writing. Unfinished prayers and poems and journal entries and art projects. And a completely overwrought self.
i have hope being kindled by the fabulous people i'm connecting with at the meetings i'm going to. i'll have to commit to staying connected to them, calling them and seeing them at meetings. i have more incentive to follow through now, trying to work through the hard time of facing my single self. Sometimes all these emotions make me feel like my body will dissolve itself from the center out, i'm also back in touch with the fact that this too shall pass.

As Far As "Somedays" Go...

It's been a while since i've worn this necklace. But today is an important day. We've reached 6 years since the brilliant and lovely Melissa Avrin lost her battle with an eating disorder. She was the first person i knew to become a casualty to something i held so dear. It was the first thing to really shake me up and question how close i should keep myself this disease. This beautiful woman helped me through so much in the short time that i knew her, the light that she possessed was immutable, her energy was bright and fun and infectious. With ease she could fill a room with laughter. Her presence was a delight to all who knew her. The hope she had and the dreams she clung to despite her struggles were so inspiring, the depths of her thoughts and the honesty with which she spoke of her hurts and her fears were moving, comforting, and motivating. i miss her so much. i would have loved to be around and watch what she could have done on this earth. 

It's been great to watch the Someday Melissa movie reach so many people, shed light on this dark subject, and give hope where it is needed so so much.

And while i'm grateful for the gift of recovery, it is so hard to lose people along the way. i wish i, or any of us, knew the formula for what makes recovery successful. It varies so greatly, and one seemingly small slip up and have such major consequences. 

Today i am wearing my strong woman necklace, to remind myself that i am a strong woman, and remain thankful to all the strong women in my life that helped me get to a place where i can finally believe that.

A Relapse

So yes, i'm in a great deal of pain. There's so much i've been doing to deal with it but i am so exhausted. i'd like to turn to my eating disorder instead of anything else because i'd like to focus on this test of strength, rely on the distraction of numbers/image, fuel the self disparaging thoughts rather than deal with being alone, having to do adult things, be mad at him for breaking my heart, feel like a failure for not doing my part in the relationship, or any other discomfort.
i've been keeping track of my food intake, and i'm mostly limiting it to water, tea, i've allowed some leaves of kale, a few bites of yogurt. There have been a couple times, going out after meetings with friends, i give in and eat diner food with them. But i make sure to act accordingly afterwards.
Sickeningly, i'm proud of myself for this. The diseased part of myself feels a bit stronger than the healthy hopeful part. i'm not fighting this much. i feel okay with slipping back....
It may not last that long. i could probably manage it for a week or two. i just need an extreme tactic to help get me through.
Though i'm scared by how good it feels. i know it's a slippery slope that will get slick really quick and i'll fall into the depths before i know it. My brain is changing, i'm not exactly sure how, but that's what research says and i can feel it. Only about a week into this and i feel so attached to these old habits. i'm not bothered by much else, i feel high when the pangs of hunger hit me.
My therapist says i need to stay real, don't backslide, don't push back the feelings, choose positive coping mechanisms, refrain from abusing myself. i've recited some of my negative self talk to her and we addressed the severity of it. She explained the importance of accepting myself as i am, being kind and patient with myself. i expressed my frustration of having been attempting just that for the past decade with minimal results. We agreed to work on it going forward.
i don't know where i stand right now. i don't know from minute to minute if i'll choose life or choose to feed the darkness. i know right now i'm making destructive choices more so than the healthy ones i know i'm capable of. i'd say it's about 60/40 as of now. i just want to feel good. Not eating is helping get there. It's that instant gratification. The ratio will probably change by tomorrow, and vary throughout the day. Perhaps a bit more committed to health. Perhaps still chasing numbness.
Today i chose restriction, and small talk in a coffee shop, going through the motions at work, getting to an AA meeting but remaining silent (at one point consciously choosing not to speak up and tell on the sickness), and enduring getting stood up by beau when we agreed to meet up and talk. i'm so upset he didn't show and i'm going out of my mind trying to gauge the reason why.
Tomorrow i have a meeting with my new sponsor, i have work and maybe i'll get into it, and i'll go to AA after that. i'll take it all as it comes and see where it brings me.

Lost

i've lost myself. i started off with great intentions, but you know what's said about those....
i had a direction, but didn't persist in taking the steps. The contentment i had turned into complacency and then everything unraveled. i've used retrospect to see where i went wrong, and i hope i can make things right.
This winter has changed me greatly.

In mid January, i found out i was pregnant. My boyfriend and i weighed out all the options, and the best one was abortion. And even though i was fully confident that it was the best decision, i was still feeling very sad and hurt about it. i had to wait 22 days between the positive result on the pregnancy test and the day of the procedure, and that time was agonizing. i was completely overrun by anxiety, i was jittery, depressed, heavy, head spinning with way too many thoughts to even try to keep track of. i couldn't get out of bed most days. i did manage to get to work when i needed to most of the time. i think i did end up taking 2 days off because of the torment of the first trimester - fatigue, nausea, mood swings, and so much vomiting. Thankfully, my workplace was very supportive of me. i broke down one day and told my boss what was going on with me, and she was exceptionally sweet. She acted as a friend through it, helping me to look at all the options, consoling me, sharing with me that she went through it when she was young too. When i told her my decision, she granted me the two weeks off that i needed, covering all my shifts without batting an eye, she even offered to go with me to the clinic if i needed it. i was so immensely grateful for her kindness. My therapist was also especially gracious through this time. She took many extra phone calls, talked through numerous times how i was to take care of myself and not beat myself up and not give into the depression but to stay focused on the positive. And from my boyfriend, i got much extra cuddles, he responded to my cravings, held me when i cried, and talked through the emotions. However, my mother and aunt became aggressively emotional, pushing me to keep the baby, taking me on guilt trips, believing in my ability and trying to get me excited to be a mother, my mother relaying the story of being pregnant with me at 16 and being scared out of her mind but still going forward to have me and love me and not regretting in for a moment, my aunt revealing to me that she had a termination when she was 20 and regrets it and doesn't want me to have that follow me for the rest of my life. They offered to help, financially (which i know they can't). they said i could move in the basement and be a double family, they'd babysit, they'd quit smoking. It became hostile. i didn't feel safe being around my family. i had to stay true to myself, i knew all the reasons i had to make this choice, and had to stay focused. i went through with the procedure at the end of February and healed. My biggest support, besides my boyfriend and therapist, was my church. A few weeks after i had a meeting with one of the reverends. Paul has been with me through a lot, supporting me for the last 3 years in my recovery, seeing me in ugly spots, guiding me through struggles, rejoicing in forward strides, celebrating progress. i was a little nervous he’d be disappointed in me for what i did, but he told me he was proud of me for making the decision i thought was best, reminded me God loves me and is walking through this with me, and helped me process my feelings of loss and relief and guilt and hope.
We talked about what is was like to go through it, and he said that terminating was the most life-giving choice i could have made. He expressed his frustration at pro-life rhetoric being so hypocritical and selfish and backwards. And then we talked about what my life was going to be like going forward. It was one of the best experiences at church i've had and i’m so grateful for it. It took about a month for my body and mind and emotions and spirit to return to baseline. And then i carried on at work as normal, and hung out with friends, and watched Netflix and ate yummy food.

Life went on well for a while. But then it all came crumbling down mid April, when i got blindsided by my sweetie asking for a break. And i quickly realized that i had become a person that i never intended to be. i actually stopped being my own person. i let my world shrink down to work, and home. i wasn't hanging out with any friends, i wasn't reading anything or doing any other intellectual work, i wasn't even watching anything on Netflix independently. i became so enmeshed with the beau and essentially became a leech. i was sucking on his life force. Both of us were rendered depleted. So i moved back in with Grama, i started going to AA meetings again, i've made new friends, i have a sponsor and am doing stepwork again. i'm reading books, i'm working on art projects, i'm writing again. i need to rebuild my own self again. Beau and i have been talking throughout this, and he's been working on his own stuff too, hurts from childhood, resisting laziness that tends to plague him, figuring out exactly what he needs in a relationship and how to communicate that. We still love each other a lot, but know that the way we are now will not make for a healthy relationship for either of us. Hopefully we can get back together soon and join forces as strong people having a fulfilling life together.

This is just another thing that proves that change rarely happens without a lot of pain. i terrible not being with him. i miss him something fierce. i'm upset with myself for hurting him. i regret losing myself. But i am taking the now and rebuilding myself, and am focusing on the positive. i'm enjoying jumping back into AA, exploring new art, taking up watercolor and macrame and recipes and fitness routines and new knitting projects, i'm cleaning out all my stuff and getting rid of a lot. i'm staying connected to God and cultivating my spirit. i'm trying to be at peace no matter what, be calm within myself, and whatever will come my way trust in my strength to get through it.