A Relapse

So yes, i'm in a great deal of pain. There's so much i've been doing to deal with it but i am so exhausted. i'd like to turn to my eating disorder instead of anything else because i'd like to focus on this test of strength, rely on the distraction of numbers/image, fuel the self disparaging thoughts rather than deal with being alone, having to do adult things, be mad at him for breaking my heart, feel like a failure for not doing my part in the relationship, or any other discomfort.
i've been keeping track of my food intake, and i'm mostly limiting it to water, tea, i've allowed some leaves of kale, a few bites of yogurt. There have been a couple times, going out after meetings with friends, i give in and eat diner food with them. But i make sure to act accordingly afterwards.
Sickeningly, i'm proud of myself for this. The diseased part of myself feels a bit stronger than the healthy hopeful part. i'm not fighting this much. i feel okay with slipping back....
It may not last that long. i could probably manage it for a week or two. i just need an extreme tactic to help get me through.
Though i'm scared by how good it feels. i know it's a slippery slope that will get slick really quick and i'll fall into the depths before i know it. My brain is changing, i'm not exactly sure how, but that's what research says and i can feel it. Only about a week into this and i feel so attached to these old habits. i'm not bothered by much else, i feel high when the pangs of hunger hit me.
My therapist says i need to stay real, don't backslide, don't push back the feelings, choose positive coping mechanisms, refrain from abusing myself. i've recited some of my negative self talk to her and we addressed the severity of it. She explained the importance of accepting myself as i am, being kind and patient with myself. i expressed my frustration of having been attempting just that for the past decade with minimal results. We agreed to work on it going forward.
i don't know where i stand right now. i don't know from minute to minute if i'll choose life or choose to feed the darkness. i know right now i'm making destructive choices more so than the healthy ones i know i'm capable of. i'd say it's about 60/40 as of now. i just want to feel good. Not eating is helping get there. It's that instant gratification. The ratio will probably change by tomorrow, and vary throughout the day. Perhaps a bit more committed to health. Perhaps still chasing numbness.
Today i chose restriction, and small talk in a coffee shop, going through the motions at work, getting to an AA meeting but remaining silent (at one point consciously choosing not to speak up and tell on the sickness), and enduring getting stood up by beau when we agreed to meet up and talk. i'm so upset he didn't show and i'm going out of my mind trying to gauge the reason why.
Tomorrow i have a meeting with my new sponsor, i have work and maybe i'll get into it, and i'll go to AA after that. i'll take it all as it comes and see where it brings me.