i've lost myself. i started off with great intentions, but you know what's said about those....
i had a direction, but didn't persist in taking the steps. The contentment i had turned into complacency and then everything unraveled. i've used retrospect to see where i went wrong, and i hope i can make things right.
This winter has changed me greatly.
In mid January, i found out i was pregnant. My boyfriend and i weighed out all the options, and the best one was abortion. And even though i was fully confident that it was the best decision, i was still feeling very sad and hurt about it. i had to wait 22 days between the positive result on the pregnancy test and the day of the procedure, and that time was agonizing. i was completely overrun by anxiety, i was jittery, depressed, heavy, head spinning with way too many thoughts to even try to keep track of. i couldn't get out of bed most days. i did manage to get to work when i needed to most of the time. i think i did end up taking 2 days off because of the torment of the first trimester - fatigue, nausea, mood swings, and so much vomiting. Thankfully, my workplace was very supportive of me. i broke down one day and told my boss what was going on with me, and she was exceptionally sweet. She acted as a friend through it, helping me to look at all the options, consoling me, sharing with me that she went through it when she was young too. When i told her my decision, she granted me the two weeks off that i needed, covering all my shifts without batting an eye, she even offered to go with me to the clinic if i needed it. i was so immensely grateful for her kindness. My therapist was also especially gracious through this time. She took many extra phone calls, talked through numerous times how i was to take care of myself and not beat myself up and not give into the depression but to stay focused on the positive. And from my boyfriend, i got much extra cuddles, he responded to my cravings, held me when i cried, and talked through the emotions. However, my mother and aunt became aggressively emotional, pushing me to keep the baby, taking me on guilt trips, believing in my ability and trying to get me excited to be a mother, my mother relaying the story of being pregnant with me at 16 and being scared out of her mind but still going forward to have me and love me and not regretting in for a moment, my aunt revealing to me that she had a termination when she was 20 and regrets it and doesn't want me to have that follow me for the rest of my life. They offered to help, financially (which i know they can't). they said i could move in the basement and be a double family, they'd babysit, they'd quit smoking. It became hostile. i didn't feel safe being around my family. i had to stay true to myself, i knew all the reasons i had to make this choice, and had to stay focused. i went through with the procedure at the end of February and healed. My biggest support, besides my boyfriend and therapist, was my church. A few weeks after i had a meeting with one of the reverends. Paul has been with me through a lot, supporting me for the last 3 years in my recovery, seeing me in ugly spots, guiding me through struggles, rejoicing in forward strides, celebrating progress. i was a little nervous he’d be disappointed in me for what i did, but he told me he was proud of me for making the decision i thought was best, reminded me God loves me and is walking through this with me, and helped me process my feelings of loss and relief and guilt and hope.
We talked about what is was like to go through it, and he said that terminating was the most life-giving choice i could have made. He expressed his frustration at pro-life rhetoric being so hypocritical and selfish and backwards. And then we talked about what my life was going to be like going forward. It was one of the best experiences at church i've had and i’m so grateful for it. It took about a month for my body and mind and emotions and spirit to return to baseline. And then i carried on at work as normal, and hung out with friends, and watched Netflix and ate yummy food.
Life went on well for a while. But then it all came crumbling down mid April, when i got blindsided by my sweetie asking for a break. And i quickly realized that i had become a person that i never intended to be. i actually stopped being my own person. i let my world shrink down to work, and home. i wasn't hanging out with any friends, i wasn't reading anything or doing any other intellectual work, i wasn't even watching anything on Netflix independently. i became so enmeshed with the beau and essentially became a leech. i was sucking on his life force. Both of us were rendered depleted. So i moved back in with Grama, i started going to AA meetings again, i've made new friends, i have a sponsor and am doing stepwork again. i'm reading books, i'm working on art projects, i'm writing again. i need to rebuild my own self again. Beau and i have been talking throughout this, and he's been working on his own stuff too, hurts from childhood, resisting laziness that tends to plague him, figuring out exactly what he needs in a relationship and how to communicate that. We still love each other a lot, but know that the way we are now will not make for a healthy relationship for either of us. Hopefully we can get back together soon and join forces as strong people having a fulfilling life together.
This is just another thing that proves that change rarely happens without a lot of pain. i terrible not being with him. i miss him something fierce. i'm upset with myself for hurting him. i regret losing myself. But i am taking the now and rebuilding myself, and am focusing on the positive. i'm enjoying jumping back into AA, exploring new art, taking up watercolor and macrame and recipes and fitness routines and new knitting projects, i'm cleaning out all my stuff and getting rid of a lot. i'm staying connected to God and cultivating my spirit. i'm trying to be at peace no matter what, be calm within myself, and whatever will come my way trust in my strength to get through it.
i had a direction, but didn't persist in taking the steps. The contentment i had turned into complacency and then everything unraveled. i've used retrospect to see where i went wrong, and i hope i can make things right.
This winter has changed me greatly.
In mid January, i found out i was pregnant. My boyfriend and i weighed out all the options, and the best one was abortion. And even though i was fully confident that it was the best decision, i was still feeling very sad and hurt about it. i had to wait 22 days between the positive result on the pregnancy test and the day of the procedure, and that time was agonizing. i was completely overrun by anxiety, i was jittery, depressed, heavy, head spinning with way too many thoughts to even try to keep track of. i couldn't get out of bed most days. i did manage to get to work when i needed to most of the time. i think i did end up taking 2 days off because of the torment of the first trimester - fatigue, nausea, mood swings, and so much vomiting. Thankfully, my workplace was very supportive of me. i broke down one day and told my boss what was going on with me, and she was exceptionally sweet. She acted as a friend through it, helping me to look at all the options, consoling me, sharing with me that she went through it when she was young too. When i told her my decision, she granted me the two weeks off that i needed, covering all my shifts without batting an eye, she even offered to go with me to the clinic if i needed it. i was so immensely grateful for her kindness. My therapist was also especially gracious through this time. She took many extra phone calls, talked through numerous times how i was to take care of myself and not beat myself up and not give into the depression but to stay focused on the positive. And from my boyfriend, i got much extra cuddles, he responded to my cravings, held me when i cried, and talked through the emotions. However, my mother and aunt became aggressively emotional, pushing me to keep the baby, taking me on guilt trips, believing in my ability and trying to get me excited to be a mother, my mother relaying the story of being pregnant with me at 16 and being scared out of her mind but still going forward to have me and love me and not regretting in for a moment, my aunt revealing to me that she had a termination when she was 20 and regrets it and doesn't want me to have that follow me for the rest of my life. They offered to help, financially (which i know they can't). they said i could move in the basement and be a double family, they'd babysit, they'd quit smoking. It became hostile. i didn't feel safe being around my family. i had to stay true to myself, i knew all the reasons i had to make this choice, and had to stay focused. i went through with the procedure at the end of February and healed. My biggest support, besides my boyfriend and therapist, was my church. A few weeks after i had a meeting with one of the reverends. Paul has been with me through a lot, supporting me for the last 3 years in my recovery, seeing me in ugly spots, guiding me through struggles, rejoicing in forward strides, celebrating progress. i was a little nervous he’d be disappointed in me for what i did, but he told me he was proud of me for making the decision i thought was best, reminded me God loves me and is walking through this with me, and helped me process my feelings of loss and relief and guilt and hope.
We talked about what is was like to go through it, and he said that terminating was the most life-giving choice i could have made. He expressed his frustration at pro-life rhetoric being so hypocritical and selfish and backwards. And then we talked about what my life was going to be like going forward. It was one of the best experiences at church i've had and i’m so grateful for it. It took about a month for my body and mind and emotions and spirit to return to baseline. And then i carried on at work as normal, and hung out with friends, and watched Netflix and ate yummy food.
Life went on well for a while. But then it all came crumbling down mid April, when i got blindsided by my sweetie asking for a break. And i quickly realized that i had become a person that i never intended to be. i actually stopped being my own person. i let my world shrink down to work, and home. i wasn't hanging out with any friends, i wasn't reading anything or doing any other intellectual work, i wasn't even watching anything on Netflix independently. i became so enmeshed with the beau and essentially became a leech. i was sucking on his life force. Both of us were rendered depleted. So i moved back in with Grama, i started going to AA meetings again, i've made new friends, i have a sponsor and am doing stepwork again. i'm reading books, i'm working on art projects, i'm writing again. i need to rebuild my own self again. Beau and i have been talking throughout this, and he's been working on his own stuff too, hurts from childhood, resisting laziness that tends to plague him, figuring out exactly what he needs in a relationship and how to communicate that. We still love each other a lot, but know that the way we are now will not make for a healthy relationship for either of us. Hopefully we can get back together soon and join forces as strong people having a fulfilling life together.
This is just another thing that proves that change rarely happens without a lot of pain. i terrible not being with him. i miss him something fierce. i'm upset with myself for hurting him. i regret losing myself. But i am taking the now and rebuilding myself, and am focusing on the positive. i'm enjoying jumping back into AA, exploring new art, taking up watercolor and macrame and recipes and fitness routines and new knitting projects, i'm cleaning out all my stuff and getting rid of a lot. i'm staying connected to God and cultivating my spirit. i'm trying to be at peace no matter what, be calm within myself, and whatever will come my way trust in my strength to get through it.
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