Running

Running. i keep running. In a way that keeps my body sedentary and lazy and ever expanding. And it just dawned on me in a way that sprung me awake at 2:30 while struggling to fall asleep.
i run to noise, to distraction, to shiny things, to sticky situations. Just away from myself. It's a bit different than the frantic, obscene sprint i displayed in adolescence that caused me to be forced to sit still and quirt for 2 years. This new one is a bit smoother, more calculated and has gone unnoticed by me for a few years. The insanity of craving connection and closeness in my relationships and then pushing people away. Sabotage. i don't stick around long enough for friends to truly become my mirrors. Facing myself is still this dreaded thing. And i'm so afraid of or appalled by myself that i cling to any suitable person, but then retreat when it gets too real. A vicious cycle.
Like that Wellspring prayer: "Afraid to be known..." shit, i'm there. It's why now i'm new to these meetings, why i can't hold down a sponsor, or a friend for that matter. It's why i fucking jump when i hear someone say my name. Especially my therapist, she says it with authority, because she knows me. And i realize she's really the only non family person who knows me and has maintained a relationship with me. Even for my good few years of recovery, i don't know how to have a sustaining friendship. i could blame it on a dysfunctional childhood, or any mental illness, but why would it matter where the blame is? i'm still lonely and afraid and alone.
And so instead of taking a breath and looking at myself, i lunge and get in my own way. Calling friends and then falling silent. Going to an AA meeting, raising my hand and telling on myself, and then retreating back into my darkness. Having conversations and never picking them back up. Starting a book and not getting past the first few pages, reading or writing. Unfinished prayers and poems and journal entries and art projects. And a completely overwrought self.
i have hope being kindled by the fabulous people i'm connecting with at the meetings i'm going to. i'll have to commit to staying connected to them, calling them and seeing them at meetings. i have more incentive to follow through now, trying to work through the hard time of facing my single self. Sometimes all these emotions make me feel like my body will dissolve itself from the center out, i'm also back in touch with the fact that this too shall pass.